A Sneaky One...

Ok, a nice poem. Lovely. But what do you think he has on his mind? Lots of fruits, flowers and body parts mentioned. Yeh, and he wants to go "lodge in the valley" alright. Uh huh.

My search is for a lady who is best described in the sonnet below:

  

How beautiful are thy feet in high heels, O prince's daughter! the joints of thy thighs are like jewels, that support a golden towers.

Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an a valley of flowers.

Thine eyes shine like the Pacific Ocean: thy nose is like beautifully carved ivory.

Thine head upon thee is like a majestic mountain, and the hair of thine head is like a glistening sea; shining during mid-noon.

How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!

Thy stature is that of a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes that are on the vine, and the smell of thy nose is like that of fresh apples;

And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak.

Come my beloved, let us go forth into the field; let us lodge in the valley.

Let us get up early to the vineyards; let us see if the vine flourish, whether the tender grape appear, and the pomegranates bud forth: there will I give thee my loves.

The mandrakes give a smell, and at our gates are all manner of pleasant fruits, new and old, which I have laid up for thee, O my beloved.

For desire of body, mind, and soul complete the spiritual transformation that provides the ecstasy searched of in Kama Sutra. (Ah ha...I knew it.)

And this one has not aged at all...

Well, if his profile did not say he was 46, I'd swear he was 17. And such a positive individual to boot!

About Me:
Im up for anything. my hobbies are drinking. my goal is to get wasted everyday. im unique because i just dont care. i hate all music. this sux to have to do. i dont see the point in it nor do i care to do it.

First Date:
My first date would start with dinner. then we would go for some drinks. then we might go dancing. finally im taking her home with me of course.

The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions...

Ok, after a few anonymous comments about me making fun or putting down the men on my blog, I want to clarify on what my intentions are. Yes, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." but I am simply presenting my views on dating and the profiles of people that contact me. Do I label these people as weird, strange or whatever? Ahhh, yes. Is my intent malicious? Absolutely not. Never.

The gist of my blog is to discuss the absurdities of dating and life. It is, what it is. My brain is oddly programed to see the humor and absurdity in everything. Just is. I've had that problem all of my life. Maybe it's my own weird Irish Catholic upbringing, don't know? Yes, I may even be weird myself. I've heard THAT a few times in my life and usually it involved a male and/or my family. Honestly, I think many men must view me as this weird, short, spunky, assertive pain in the *ss anyways so I shall join the club. So goes life.

So, I purposely do not identify these men or provide where they contact me. I am on three dating sites so it keeps identities secret. I do not want to hurt anyone nor do I want to ever be mean and malicious. Won't happen and if I do, I welcome a online spanking.
Let's face it, you gotta admit...some of these profiles are indeed strange! And now that I think about it, why in gawd's name would possess these people to contact me? That should tell you something. I am a weirdo magnet. Touche'.


Stay cool.

Slow week, thank Gawd!

We'll it's been a few days since I have posted. Nothing to report, which is a good thing for me. I need a break from all the weird things (and males) in this world. A very stressful week but it all ended on a good note. I am tired -- but for a good reason. And that's nice. Loose lips sinks ships......

Not thinking of convents, short passive-aggressive males or work for 48 whole hours. Relaxation. Biking. Pool and friends tomorrow. Lifie is good.

Speaking of passive-aggressive, here is a favorite pic of mine. Love it. I've always thought that if I really needed to do something bad to "get back" at someone, this would be hysterical to do! Enjoy.

Weirdo Magnet Is At It Again...

Well, the weirdos on Facebook have found me. A good friend of mine on FB has a male friend; who's a total stranger to me, and he viewed my profile after I posted a comment about our mutual friend's photo. He saw that I had a blog and read it. This man obviously misread my blog posting today (See WTF?) and assumed I (a female) wrote it. He then eagerly emailed me to see if we could "get together" since he's a "dominant" male himself. Oh, Lord....why me?

I am now deciding which religious order to join. I think being cloistered in a convent in some remote island will be good for me. Don't you?

WTF?

Cigars?? I'm speechless.

About Me:
I enjoy travel, exploring new places, the ocean, cultural things, dining out, and reading. More versed than average about current events, opinionated, and enjoy stimulating discourse about issues.

Kind, compassionate, intelligent, humorous, giving, loving, quiet, romantic, sensuous, and pleasant are some words that describe me.

As you may have deduced from the headline, I have some tendencies toward what may be considered an "alternate lifestyle."

But, then again, maybe there are a lot of people out there who want to role play and try something different in their private lives. I'm not sure and although I've wanted to participate, I don't really want to join a bdsm "club" and I don't know how to bring this up in conversation when trying to get to know people. Then again, I don't want to spend years building a "vanilla" relationship only to find out that my fantasies repulse my partner.

So, here I am at an online dating site putting this right out there before we even meet...I'm not certain this is a great idea yet, but we'll see.

Although I've been attracted to these types of things all my life, I'm just starting to put some effort into incorporating these elements in my life and seeking a dominant woman to mentor me. Hoping to find someone who is patient and will take things slow... Or an emerging dominant who will explore new things with me. I have a bdsm fetish as well as capnolagnia--I love watching a woman light and smoke a large gauge cigar while I am bound and gagged! Willing to learn and eager to please the right domina. Hopefully you are kind as well as cruel. Well, hopefully, you're not "really" cruel... You know what I mean.

Now, you don't have to be a cigar aficionado. In fact, you don't even have to be a smoker at all to enjoy an occasional cigar. You don't inhale cigar smoke. Please just be willing to indulge me in my fetish occasionally.

Of course, you understand that being submissive does not mean desiring to be mistreated. You respect me as a human being, as I respect you, and realize that even though I want to be slapped, have you speak assertively to me, and be made to get on my knees and lick your boots (and other things as you require which we mutually agree upon), this doesn't mean I want to be "abused" (although society at large may view these things as mistreatment on its surface). You know there's a difference between consensual torture and abuse, and you use caution to protect me and insure my safety as I trust you with my life during our intimate play time.

In public, I am a perfect gentleman toward you and no one would guess of my submissive tendencies. Maybe we'll explore some public exhibition if you like.

In day-to-day life, I treat you like the lady you are. I am not a "sissy." In fact, you would probably consider me to be a dominant personality type, but there is a part of me that finds it erotic to give you complete control and to be utterly at your mercy.

The fact that you exert control and inflict a certain amount of discomfort creates a certain tension. How you protect, respect, and care for me brings comfort and pleasure in your arms.

Getting beat up is no fun! It's the fact that you CAN torture and abuse me, yet you choose to tease me a little, show me that you have complete control, and then show me love and compassion by a tender touch or kiss, or by feeding me with my hands and feet tied, or any number of kind acts that show love and mercy. That's what brings sensual pleasure.

I don't think I'm looking for a 24/7 Master/slave relationship. Would like to have a vanilla dating relationship and role play in private once we're comfortable with each other and just see how things progress. As I am new and exploring I'm not really sure exactly what I want. Does this make sense?

Interestingly, I would not be unwilling to help you fulfill your submissive fantasies. I could play the dominant role for you to help you achieve your own fantasies in a safe, loving environment.

As someone with my own submissive fantasies, I think I might be able to uniquely understand and fulfill yours.
So, maybe even if we are both submissives, we could help each other...

It's important to understand that I'm looking for a relationship, not just a romp in the hay. I don't want to share or be shared with others. Not just looking for "casual encounters". Who knows where this could lead. I would like to be married someday.

Thank you for taking the time to read this introduction.

I Never Run Out Of Things To Post...

Profile:
I am new to the scene.
I'd like to get laid
I am unique
I like lawrence welk
There's not much more to say that describes the best way to get beach ready, Brazilian-style.

First Date: We would eat, see a movie, and then screw like banshees

Short and to the point. Lawrence Welk? Seriously?

Methinks A Root Canal Without Anesthesia Is Better...

About Me:
KnuckKnuck : Gonna whip that tail--I aint playin!!
Yo. look here ladies.. yalll say yall want a lot of things, but what I'm gonna give is what you need - alright? Yall know you need to be corrected some times and that's where I come in at.. I don't believe in abuse or nothing like that, but if you doing stuff that need correcting -- I'm a hitter, and that's all I got to say about that. The best thing about me is that every body I have dated or married were better off after they left me, kinda like a training class so they can move on and actually have a good relationship. After me, they stop whining, stop want'n to buy little crazy stuff when we short on cash, they DONT talk as much... actually they learn to respect their new man after me MUCH better; I don't trip on that--it's just the service I provide. So holla back if you ready to improve. --my motto is "Love it when you call me big poppa!" --cause when you don't I'm gonna pop you on that tail.

First Date:
My first date is always at my apartment. I just think it's important to spell out a few things before we get started -- it's amazing that we live in the information age and people still don't hear me. I talk about our finances, for instance -- I am not working right now full time, so most of my money goes to child support -- this is where I need a woman like you to kick in without all that feedback in the process. Now, I don't feel bad asking for that kind of support up front, because most of the time us men cover for yall the same way, and remember this is training for you too. Aint no room in my camp to be stuck up or cheap! "Get your head out of the clouds and your butts in the air!" Once we've got that all strait, it party time. I like throwing tailgate parties to introduce my new honey. Gonna make you proud too (all the beer is free), btw I do like my herbs. Now if you can swallow all that for a first date.. I think romance might be in the air -- same night baby.



Oh yeh...sign me up. Not.

The Convents Are Calling Me And I Think It's Time...

This man is 81 years old. Third time he has contacted me with the same form letter. Scary. Pray for me.

WOW!!! WOW!!! Hello you classy and sexy "woman". You are SO gorgeous and classy I had to contact you. I love to travel and cook and am intelligent. Just looking at your file is a great turn-on - while thinking about spoiling you. Although not local I can travel to you as frequently as you desire. I realize you are younger than me but viewing your photos and profile was such a turn-on I could not resist contacting you. Here's about me. If you would enjoy a wide range of wonderful s*xual pleasures I offer - you are a gorgeous and sexy woman!!. I don't look at my age (like you)- my friends and physician say I look and act in my 50's BUT I AM OLDER. I am looking for a LTR - someone I can't live without. I have completed and moved in to my dream house at ******** VA. It is a large 2 story colonial where I plan to throw a lot of parties - 1.5 acres - plenty of room. I can make all of your dreams/fantasies come true (both in and out of bed), with my over 10 years of experience in giving pleasure to "women" in D/S pleasures. I have been a member for over 10 years at the Black Rose club in DC. I have returned from the annual Lifestyles Conference in Las Vegas - over 2,000 couples partying for 4 days (mostly 1 on 1 s*x)- what a party! (SWINGING) ALTHOUGH YOU ARE NOT NEW, IT IS IMPORTANT for you to have a well experienced tutor to insure your pleasures and prevent bad experiences. For other fun I like jazz music, dancing, dining, tennis, cooking, comedy clubs and TRAVEL - especially on cruises. I am planning to get a large sail boat for Lake ****. I am seeking and finding all of life's pleasures - but want to share them with the right "lady" - possibly you? Professionally I am the president of a small mgt consulting corp and a non profit which has a web "www.********.org". I hope you won't reject my Ph.D. -- I still know how to have fun and please a woman. I would like to come there for us to explore the possibilities of increasing the pleasures for each other with wild ideas limited only by our imagination.. Sincerely, (1 had an article involving me IN USA TODAY Mon Sep 18-'06 p.3 -which will give you more info)

With A Man Like This...

Yes, hard to believe this man is not taken.

In His Own Words: I am not satisfied with anythng I have achieved. I regret many decisions. I am a bit self-absorbed, (Oh really?) but I am overly generous (ask my now very wealthy ex-wife; even her lawyers would agree!) to the point of near bankruptcy (my credit score as of Oct. 21 was 787, but I don't know if I can keep it. (Are you serious? Your credit score?) I have given myself 60 days to finish a book that may never get published. After that, something poetic. If you wink at me or add me to your favorites, I will certainly thoroughly review your profile. If your profile is brief or not particularly expressive, I highly recommend you send me an e-mail that describes you in greater detail and why you are interested in me.

ABOUT ME: Although I drink socially, I could easily be a non-drinker. Although I have light brown hair, early years of military conditioning has made me keep mine closely cropped. Although I may seem intimidating, I am very approachable, always polite, and unusually understanding (although not necesarily sympathetic). I am almost certainly over-educated with advanced degrees in Russian history and Law (How exciting.) which means nothing more than I can be extremely interesting, or boring, at parties. I spent many years as the director of an international defense and aerospace consulting firm and I am now fortunate enough to be an independent consultant. I get paid well to put myself in harm's way. (Sure you do.) I love my work, and suspect I am one of the best in the world at it. (There's that modesty.) I have traveled to more places on Earth than most people know exist.(Try me.) And I quickly move from accommodations at the finest hotels and palaces to cold, wet, infested mud huts and wastelands, and back again. (In your mind, maybe?) When I am not away on business, I usually work 4-6 hours a day from a home office. I like to exercise regularly; which means 150-200 miles/week on a bike usually A1A between Palm Beach and Fort Lauderdale; (Oh gawd he lives near my family!) I also spend an hour a day with a personal trainer. I consider myself romantic, poetic, philosophical, and adventurous. I am tortured by my failures, I feel unworthy of recognition and pay. (WTF?) In the odd hours, as I toil away at my biography, I cannot help but think that all of the emotion that is released in this arduous process will both kill me and make the story a bestseller, albeit posthumously.(Delusions of granduer is not a good sign.) I can only have one girlfriend; and I want only one girlfriend. Some recent memorable events that might help give you insight into how I have had fun: Riding horseback across Scotland culminating in a week at the arts/fringe festival in Edinburgh. Captaining a 50' yacht in the BVI. Riding motorcycles across the USA. Skiing the Himalayas. Aerial safaris in Kenya and Tanzania. Talking and buying my way out of a kidnapping in West Africa. (Why, of course!) Racing quads through the sand dunes of the United Arab Emirates. Playing at the Wild Wadi water park in Dubai. (Big deal, I've been there.) Hiking sections of the Great Wall of China. Spotting the elusive Marco Polo Argali in the Pamirs. (Gag)

ABOUT YOU: I am not sure who you are, but you will in many ways be my savior. (No, save us from you.) You will be moral and humble. You may drink socially, but you don't need to drink. You will be comfortable socially, but don't have to be the center of attention. You will be very attractive, yet modest. (Like you?) You are passionate. You will see me as your hero, your protector, your champion; and I will get from you comfort, peace and perhaps some pious enlightenment. (You need meds.) Through our uncompromising desire to please one another, we will be completely happy. We will not just be roommates and lovers, we will be best friends who do not want to be apart.(Control freak! Run, run away!) We will derive joy and satisfaction from the simplest touch, the remotest smile and glance, or just knowing that the other is at the end of a silent phone call.

THINGS I DON"T LIKE: People who are cruel to animals. People who don't queue. People who don't know the difference between "your" and "you're". What I like to do: My work is fun, albeit sometimes rather dangerous. (Ok, James Bond) So the issue is what do I do for fun when not working. The answer is probably planning and executing romantic, playful, fun and sexy things with you! I ski in the winter. Cycle 150-200mi/week. My hot spots: Atlantic Avenue, Delray. Prime 112, Miami. Midtown Manhattan, NYC. Aspen, CO. Around Bahnhofstrasse, Zurich Shinjukyu, Tokyo, All of Paris, Hong Konga ad Kowloon. (Uh huh...)

A few of my favorite things: Sportscars Big LCD TVs Bicyles Big Swimming Pools Mark Nason Boots Sailboats Airplanes Powerful Computers A Superfast Internet Connection Watches (I don't wear one, but we will build you an excellent collection in Switzerland)

Can I yack now?

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Margaritas...

Enjoy!

I Think It Is A Full Moon This Weekend...

I don't think a profile is really needed on this one. Yes, this gentleman contacted me today. No elaboration is needed.

Which convent do you all think I need to join? Recommendations requested.

Need I Say More?

You have no idea. I couldn't make these profiles up if I tried. Here are two genuine profiles of males who've contacted me recently on an online dating site.
 I am now considering the convent again.

About Me:
My top 10 questions:
1. Cake or Death?
2. Are you a sex offender?
3. Was your last boyfriend a jerk, abusive or just no good?
4. Do you have a job?
5. Do you own lingerie?
6. Do you play video games?
7. What movie rating would your cellphone pictures be?
8. Facebook, Twitter, Myspace or 'All of the above?'
9. Are you a follower of the 3rd date rule?
10. Is it considered incest if you want a threesome with your gf's twin sister as long as they don't touch each other?

I'm not gonna spout the cliche's or the "rules of writing a successful personal ad" because I don't want someone unoriginal or shallow. So get off those horses.. yeah yeah.. I know how bareback can be "stimulating" for you women. But I digress.



It's hilarious how many of the women here are completely shallow. Seriously? You can't be cordial or friendly or even a polite response? You're not looking for intellect, charm, humor or substance... you're in the land of where you think you have golden genitals and where you wave perfume scented handkerchiefs because you think the people around you smell and completely oblivious to the fact that it's you who need to shower. Peace Out.


About Me:
I'm a big guy (5'5", 372 lbs.) who enjoys rolling in the fields, collecting pollen, and offering it by hand to the bees. Spring time is the best time to collect pollen. That is what the bees tell me. They buzz around my head. On occasion, I'll roll to the point I've wedged myself upon some lovely piece of wildlife excrement which gets trapped beneath my tin foil brain shield (the one that protects me from extraterrestrial control instructions). I solve the problem by ingesting and digesting the natural matter. It's kind of like a funky mint! Want a kiss?

This IS scary. I believe he works for NASA.. Truthfully, every personal ad wants sex of some kind, don't kid yourself into thinking you don't. (And spare me the "I've got extra batteries" rationality) You want it, admit it. You may not want a sexcentric relationship and that's where a lot of guys get lost because you've entered the realm of hand holding, cuddling, public affection and romanticism at it's highest. Everyone is tired of "games", so why must every profile include that phrase?

Yes, I Am A Weirdo Magnet.

I know, it's hard to believe. 

Well, it all started about 40 years ago when I was a young girl and asked my mother why all these strange boys were bothering me in school and in the neighborhood. Why did it seem that they always wanted to sit next to me and taunt me? I remember her looking at me squarely in the eye and saying "Sweetie, you are probably a weirdo magnet. Now, just be nice to them." Little did she know...?

So, there you have it. I can only assume I have some sort of subliminal "blinking light" sending out invites to every strange person within 50 miles to come talk to me...sit next to me or even worse, contact me on a dating site. Gawd, why me?

Well, after much thought and constant comments from my friends that I need to write a book about my dating "adventures", I decided it would be easier to share my "weirdo magnet" stories online. Eight years of on and off dating on Match.com have produced volumes of hysterical, bizarre and interesting stories about the males (and some females) that contact me on that site to meet. Fortunately, for me, I have never met most of these people and my finger usually hits the delete key rather quickly.

I am convinced that it's all payback for all those bad things I did in my previous life = Penance.

TGIF.

What Am I Doing And Who Really Cares?

Hello everyone.

After much encouragement by my friends and peers, I am throwing myself into the world of blogging. Yikes.

This will be a work in progress, most definitely. I am not sure anyone will find the words I post here interesting or even humorous but I shall throw myself into it and share a bit of my nutty life (and dating) with the masses.

Stay tuned. I hope my musings will be a source of entertainment for you 'cause Gawd only knows that I am definitely a weirdo magnet. Lots of stories...


Peace,
FloridaFlyer